Jabba Jabba Jabba Jabba Jabba JABBERJAWS! No, Jab Your Jaw

By: C. Raven Moorehead, Correspondent
Scarrytimes.blogspot.com


Who has heard the expression "I went to a fight and a party broke out!" Well, this past weekend I was fortunate enough to hit the road to Wayland, NY, where the G10 summit was being held. The G10 is the annual meeting of the XFL III owners to discuss several topics including competition, the state of the league, trades and even a bit of trash talking. This year, 6 of the 10 owners made the trek back to the fertile breeding grounds of Isaman Road. Also on the agenda for the weekend was the birthday celebration of the commissioner, who danced his way into his thirties. Happy birthday commish! Many believe the commish's wife tried to poison the other owners with gut rot by forcing them to drink dark and heavy beers from custom brewcrafters all night. The evening got progressively worse and was capped off with a brawl between Scarritt and Shaf. Details of the fight are scarce; it is believed the argument broke out after trade talks of Thomas Jones for Santana Moss broke down. The party pretty much disbanded after Scarritt jabbed Shaf in the jaw. Jared Ziggenfus aka The Nature Boy Rick Flair, suggested it was a sucker punch and completely unprovoked. When asked about his poor decision making Scarritt responded "Shaf was trying to start a pillow fight, that's just GAY, so I had to slap him around" but no ones buying that excuse. All eye will be on this match up in week 6 as Shaf looks for revenge in what now might be considered the hottest rivalry in the league this year. Scientologist Zach Newfang was heard mumbling while passing out under the stairs with his latest piece of roast beef at his side, which ironically is where Drew usually crashes "Scarrit has done a good job of making enemies and alienating himself this year, punching Shaf and calling out the Newfang boys in the preseason, I think he has a death wish." Maybe he does have a death wish, but the reigning champion has cart blanch as far as I'm concerned. Ultimately, Shaf got the last laugh as he managed to hold onto Moss who exploded for 41.6 points the following day compared to Jones' 10.4.

Oh my, the desert is dry! The Bingers seem to have serious problems on their hands. The Bingers dropped a record 378.3 points two weeks ago. With the offensive explosion, one would think all is fine 'n dandy in La La Land. Snooping around Vegas proves otherwise. Can owner Reynolds buy enough balls to keep everyone happy was the question with all that talent. "After seeing Mr. Reynolds in line at the unemployment office, I would tend to assume, No he can't. That's the safest bet in Vegas these days." was the response from fellow Vegas socialite and cross town rival, Brian Shaffer. Shaf was right as the disgruntled team in the desert laid an egg this past week. Reynolds was to busy parlaying bets on the men's figure skating world championships to return a call to the Scarry Times office. Keep making that paper Reynolds. In other news, no report yet from the detective Matt Sikorski on his trip to Pittsburgh.

Broken McRibs, Ocean Breeses, Whiskers on Boxes and Adrian's TDs - These are just a few of my least favorite things

By: Ron Mexico, Correspondent
scarrytimes.blogspot.com

Opening weekend is finally behind us, teams' strengths and weaknesses are becoming apparent and owners will scramble to adjust. Exceptional performances were had on Sunday followed by a little backdoor action on Monday, just the way Brady likes it. Let's get one thing straight, I'm not here to discuss results and roster mistakes, that's what my associate Mr. Hume reports. I bring the dirt, what the weekend warriors are talking about on Tuesday.

One concern has been put to bed; the Wonder Weasels no longer have a quarterback controversy. Reigning league MVP and spelunking enthusiast, Donovan McNabb, suffered broken ribs on a contentious late hit in the endzone. The injury will likely sideline McNabb for 2-3 weeks. McNabb had this to say when found in the trainers room following the game eating a rack of Chili's babyback ribs "I just wanna play, but it's gonna be tough with this injury. Worst case scenario, I'll be ready for the playoffs." Drew Brees established himself as the premier QB for the league and his own team in week 1. Brees tossed a record tying 6 touchdowns for a league best 62 points. Amped after the game, Drew was screaming to reporters in the locker room "My motivation was to humiliate Donovan McNasty and I succeeded, Dudes a punk. He may be on my team, at least for now, but he carries my jock. I don't want to hear his name mentioned in the same sentence as mine again. Game over!" Someone should tell Brees his team lost. This led our staff to believe McNabb might be cut rather than moved to IR. As usual, team owner and extreme evangelist, Zach Newfang could not be reached for comment.

In other news, mustaches are flappin in Pittsburgh this morning as the Box-n-Whisker Plot Suckers dominated in week 1 scoring a league best 246.5 points. The team was led by QB Tom Brady who tallied 46.7 points in the win. "There was a lot of controversy surrounding our owner in the off season. Talk around town was the team would be relocated or worse, disbanded." Brady continued "Time to celebrate, my wife being pregnant means I get a lot of anal sex now a days. Gotta go." One big question around the Scarry Times office "is Brady pitching or catching?" we'll keep you posted. We have seasoned sleuth, peeping tom and investigator, Matt Sikorski researching that one. His private jet has been dispatched.

Finally, the Bandits scraped together a win in the "XFL III Game of the Week" (championship game rematch) led by a stellar performance by AP Allday, Adrian Peterson. Peterson tallied 180 yards and 3 touchdowns on the way to 57.6 points. Late Sunday a correspondent caught up with Peterson at the racebook in Mohegan Sun. AP, surrounded by women had this to say "Being the number 1 pick has its perks, mad vag if you know what I'm talkin 'bout . But it also comes with responsibilities, being a workhorse. Man did I get abused, I took a serious beatin on Sunday. I feel like a first timer's ass after a session with Lexington Steele. But it's all worth it, we got the win." Peterson quickly disappeared into the VIP lounge.

Zach makes splash with McNabb; Madden’s mighty fist strikes again

By: Ron Mexico, Correspondent
scarrytimes.blogspot.com

The 2009-2010 XFL III season got off to a rocky start in March with the threat of an owner lockout which was narrowly avoided due to slick 11^th hour NY style negotiating by the Commissioner, Benjamin Hume. Following the contraction of the league with the elimination of two teams due to the ongoing global financial crisis, the remaining owners approved a complete asset redistribution plan, profit sharing and the sale of the One Eyed Wonder Weasels to Zach Newfang. Defending champion and perpetual wiseguy, John Scarritt talked adamantly about the offseason events “The reorganization of the league has postured XFL III for steady growth and success for years to come, and Hume deserves all the credit. On another note, we have welcomed Zach Newfang into our inner circle. Now lets see if this guy can ball or if he is stiff like his brothers. That whole family is the laughing stock of this league. Yeah, Hume has been to two straight championship games, but he is the ultimate choke artist. With the addition of Zach, my schedule just got a little easier.”

Newfang is a rookie in the ranks of ownership but brings some experience to the table. Zach served as a part-time GM for OKC Grizzly Groupie while his brother and owner Seth Newfang was vacationing in the Philippines. Let’s hope Zach can distinguish himself from Seth, as the Grizzlies have been a perennial doormat for league regular season powerhouses like the Bandits, Badabingers, Plotsuckers and Kids.

All eyes were on Zach during the redraft and he did not disappoint. The magnificent Zach left the other owners speechless as he drafted two quarterbacks and two Detroit Lions in the first four rounds. This could result in utter disaster or become the roadmap for other teams to follow in the future. While many of Zach’s moves have been considered shocking and downright mind boggling, there seems to a silver lining. The Weasels drafted two-time XFL III champion and MVP Donovan McNabb in the 10^th round (pick 98). While McNabb is third on the depth chart, it’s likely he will be a solid contributor if not a starter by seasons end. When asked about the team’s depth chart and his draft position, McNabb replied “Looks like I have to prove myself again, I was hoping that stairwell pussy eater would have drafted me. We discussed such a scenario after last years championship. But it didn’t happen, what’s a brother to do? I could sit out like Seymour or Marshall but that’s not my style.” McNabb will likely be the first player to enter the XFL III Hall of Fame when he eventually retires.

A current owner wanting to remain anonymous was quoted as saying “Zach’s strategy to draft McNabb as a good luck charm will likely not payoff by seasons end based on his current roster. If nothing else, McNabb should hold considerable trade value based on his past performance in XFL III championship games. Look for late season moves by division leaders to obtain McNabb as Zach will likely be holding a firesale from the basement in January. Zach was unable to be reached for comment.

In other news, the Madden curse continues. In the season opener of the 2009-2010 campaign, Safety Troy Polamalu suffered a devastating knee injury sidelining him for a minimum of 6 weeks. Polamalu was very productive recording 6 tackles and an interception prior to the injury. All attention has now turned to Larry Fitzgerald to see if he follows suit and suffers a performance hindering injury early on. It should be noted that John Scarritt, architect behind last years champions (Sundance Kids) was mocked by fellow owners in pre-draft conversations when he announced he would not consider drafting Polamalu or Fitzgerald as they donned the cover of the EA Sports Madden 10 video game. Looks like he has the last laugh. Other coverboys to fall victim to the curse in various degrees include Brett Favre, Mick Vick, Garrison Hearst, Vince Young, Barry Sanders, Donovan McNabb, Dante Culpepper and Shaun Alexander.