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Opening weeke
nd is finally behind us, teams' strengths and weaknesses are becoming apparent and owners will scramble to adjust. Exceptional performances were had on Sunday followed by a little backdoor action on Monday, just the way Brady likes it. Let's get one thing straight, I'm not here to discuss results and roster mistakes, that's what my associate Mr. Hume reports. I bring the dirt, what the weekend warriors are talking about on Tuesday.
One concern has been put to bed; the Wonder Weasels no longer have a quarterback controversy. Reigning league MVP and spelunking enthusiast, Donovan McNabb, suffered broken ribs on a contentious late hit in the endzone. The injury will likely sideline McNabb for 2-3 weeks. McNabb had this to say when found in the trainers room following the game eating a rack of Chili's babyback ribs "I just wanna play, but it's gonna be tough with this injury. Worst case scenario, I'll be ready for the playoffs." Drew Brees established himself as the premier QB for the league and his own team in week 1. Brees tossed a record tying 6 touchdowns for a league best 62 points. Amped after the game, Drew was screaming to reporters in the locker room "My motivation was to humiliate Donovan McNasty and I succeeded, Dudes a punk. He may be on my team, at least for now, but he carries my jock. I don't want to hear his name mentioned in the same sentence as mine again. Game over!" Someone should tell Brees his team lost. This led our staff to believe McNabb might be cut rather than moved to IR. As usual, team owner and extreme evangelist, Zach Newfang could not be reached for comment.
In other news, mustaches are flappin in Pittsburgh this morning as the Box-n-Whisker Plot Suckers dominated in week 1 scoring a league best 246.5 points. The team was led by QB Tom Brady who tallied 46.7 points in the win. "There was a lot of controversy surrounding our owner in the off season. Talk around town was the team would be relocated or worse, disbanded." Brady continued "Time to celebrate, my wife being pregnant means I get a lot of anal sex now a days. Gotta go." One big question around the Scarry Times office "is Brady pitching or catching?" we'll keep you posted. We have seasoned sleuth, peeping tom and investigator, Matt Sikorski researching that one. His private jet has been dispatched.
Finally, the Bandits scraped together a win in the "XFL III Game of the Week" (championship game rematch) led by a stellar performance by AP Allday, Adrian Peterson. Peterson tallied 180 yards and 3 touchdowns on the way to 57.6 points. Late Sunday a correspondent caught up with Peterson at the racebook in Mohegan Sun. AP, surrounded by women had this to say "Being the number 1 pick has its perks, mad vag if you know what I'm talkin 'bout. But it also comes with responsibilities, being a workhorse. Man did I get abused, I took a serious beatin on Sunday. I feel like a first timer's ass after a session with Lexington Steele. But it's all worth it, we got the win." Peterson quickly disappeared into the VIP lounge.
nd is finally behind us, teams' strengths and weaknesses are becoming apparent and owners will scramble to adjust. Exceptional performances were had on Sunday followed by a little backdoor action on Monday, just the way Brady likes it. Let's get one thing straight, I'm not here to discuss results and roster mistakes, that's what my associate Mr. Hume reports. I bring the dirt, what the weekend warriors are talking about on Tuesday.One concern has been put to bed; the Wonder Weasels no longer have a quarterback controversy. Reigning league MVP and spelunking enthusiast, Donovan McNabb, suffered broken ribs on a contentious late hit in the endzone. The injury will likely sideline McNabb for 2-3 weeks. McNabb had this to say when found in the trainers room following the game eating a rack of Chili's babyback ribs "I just wanna play, but it's gonna be tough with this injury. Worst case scenario, I'll be ready for the playoffs." Drew Brees established himself as the premier QB for the league and his own team in week 1. Brees tossed a record tying 6 touchdowns for a league best 62 points. Amped after the game, Drew was screaming to reporters in the locker room "My motivation was to humiliate Donovan McNasty and I succeeded, Dudes a punk. He may be on my team, at least for now, but he carries my jock. I don't want to hear his name mentioned in the same sentence as mine again. Game over!" Someone should tell Brees his team lost. This led our staff to believe McNabb might be cut rather than moved to IR. As usual, team owner and extreme evangelist, Zach Newfang could not be reached for comment.
In other news, mustaches are flappin in Pittsburgh this morning as the Box-n-Whisker Plot Suckers dominated in week 1 scoring a league best 246.5 points. The team was led by QB Tom Brady who tallied 46.7 points in the win. "There was a lot of controversy surrounding our owner in the off season. Talk around town was the team would be relocated or worse, disbanded." Brady continued "Time to celebrate, my wife being pregnant means I get a lot of anal sex now a days. Gotta go." One big question around the Scarry Times office "is Brady pitching or catching?" we'll keep you posted. We have seasoned sleuth, peeping tom and investigator, Matt Sikorski researching that one. His private jet has been dispatched.
Finally, the Bandits scraped together a win in the "XFL III Game of the Week" (championship game rematch) led by a stellar performance by AP Allday, Adrian Peterson. Peterson tallied 180 yards and 3 touchdowns on the way to 57.6 points. Late Sunday a correspondent caught up with Peterson at the racebook in Mohegan Sun. AP, surrounded by women had this to say "Being the number 1 pick has its perks, mad vag if you know what I'm talkin 'bout
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