Zach makes splash with McNabb; Madden’s mighty fist strikes again

By: Ron Mexico, Correspondent
scarrytimes.blogspot.com

The 2009-2010 XFL III season got off to a rocky start in March with the threat of an owner lockout which was narrowly avoided due to slick 11^th hour NY style negotiating by the Commissioner, Benjamin Hume. Following the contraction of the league with the elimination of two teams due to the ongoing global financial crisis, the remaining owners approved a complete asset redistribution plan, profit sharing and the sale of the One Eyed Wonder Weasels to Zach Newfang. Defending champion and perpetual wiseguy, John Scarritt talked adamantly about the offseason events “The reorganization of the league has postured XFL III for steady growth and success for years to come, and Hume deserves all the credit. On another note, we have welcomed Zach Newfang into our inner circle. Now lets see if this guy can ball or if he is stiff like his brothers. That whole family is the laughing stock of this league. Yeah, Hume has been to two straight championship games, but he is the ultimate choke artist. With the addition of Zach, my schedule just got a little easier.”

Newfang is a rookie in the ranks of ownership but brings some experience to the table. Zach served as a part-time GM for OKC Grizzly Groupie while his brother and owner Seth Newfang was vacationing in the Philippines. Let’s hope Zach can distinguish himself from Seth, as the Grizzlies have been a perennial doormat for league regular season powerhouses like the Bandits, Badabingers, Plotsuckers and Kids.

All eyes were on Zach during the redraft and he did not disappoint. The magnificent Zach left the other owners speechless as he drafted two quarterbacks and two Detroit Lions in the first four rounds. This could result in utter disaster or become the roadmap for other teams to follow in the future. While many of Zach’s moves have been considered shocking and downright mind boggling, there seems to a silver lining. The Weasels drafted two-time XFL III champion and MVP Donovan McNabb in the 10^th round (pick 98). While McNabb is third on the depth chart, it’s likely he will be a solid contributor if not a starter by seasons end. When asked about the team’s depth chart and his draft position, McNabb replied “Looks like I have to prove myself again, I was hoping that stairwell pussy eater would have drafted me. We discussed such a scenario after last years championship. But it didn’t happen, what’s a brother to do? I could sit out like Seymour or Marshall but that’s not my style.” McNabb will likely be the first player to enter the XFL III Hall of Fame when he eventually retires.

A current owner wanting to remain anonymous was quoted as saying “Zach’s strategy to draft McNabb as a good luck charm will likely not payoff by seasons end based on his current roster. If nothing else, McNabb should hold considerable trade value based on his past performance in XFL III championship games. Look for late season moves by division leaders to obtain McNabb as Zach will likely be holding a firesale from the basement in January. Zach was unable to be reached for comment.

In other news, the Madden curse continues. In the season opener of the 2009-2010 campaign, Safety Troy Polamalu suffered a devastating knee injury sidelining him for a minimum of 6 weeks. Polamalu was very productive recording 6 tackles and an interception prior to the injury. All attention has now turned to Larry Fitzgerald to see if he follows suit and suffers a performance hindering injury early on. It should be noted that John Scarritt, architect behind last years champions (Sundance Kids) was mocked by fellow owners in pre-draft conversations when he announced he would not consider drafting Polamalu or Fitzgerald as they donned the cover of the EA Sports Madden 10 video game. Looks like he has the last laugh. Other coverboys to fall victim to the curse in various degrees include Brett Favre, Mick Vick, Garrison Hearst, Vince Young, Barry Sanders, Donovan McNabb, Dante Culpepper and Shaun Alexander.